CRISTINA
TALKS ABOUT
"GASLIGHTING"
LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR
LICENSED MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
EMDR CERTIFIED, LMFT, LPC
RELATIONSHIPS
Have you tried forming long-term, loving, committed relationships, but can’t?
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Do you have difficulty interpreting how your love interest feels?
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Have you ever been certain that you both felt the same, only to realize that you don’t?
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Do you try just about everything you can think of to revive your relationship, but can’t?
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Whether single, married, divorced or widowed, most all of us want to love and be loved in return. We want to be happy and share this with a loving partner. But, when we sometimes misread or misinterpret what they said or meant, what their signals and body language mean, feelings get hurt and frustration or distancing takes over.
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It’s not your fault. Most of us weren’t given the tools to be successful in intimate relationships. And, if your family history involves abuse, lots of arguing, inconsistent parenting, and repeat clashes in your home, it might have affected how you interact with and respond to others.
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We live in a fast-paced culture that encourages quick relief from pain. When we’re hurting, we’re told to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and to move on. Not surprisingly, these comments don’t help. They actually increase feelings of isolation. And, it’s not wise to “move on” when you have issues to work through so you don’t carry them into your relationships.
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So, before you start the same conversation with your loved one that goes nowhere, or before you tell yourself that something’s wrong with you, and that things will never change, I would like to help you and your partner get what you both want, in a healthy way.
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By identifying and processing unresolved conflicts and new challenges, old wounds can heal, relationships can mend, and hearts can love again. Want help? Great! Call or email me, and let’s get started.
COMMITMENT
1. The state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity or person. (See- dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness and fidelity)
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2. An engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.
(See- obligation, duty, responsibility, duty, tie or liability.)
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When one partner wants to commit and the other one does not, one might believe they are showing their devotion and faithfulness, while the one who does not want to commit (at least for now), may feel trapped, tied-down, or burdened with responsibility.
We hear and read about commitment. Some embrace it. Some flee from it. Men have a bad rap when it comes to committing to one partner. When they don’t commit, they are dubbed “players” or commitment-phobes. However, more women are also “keeping their options open” and “not getting serious”, as well.
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One partner who may have been raised by one or two unreliable and absent parents may push for a commitment. The other may resist because they finally have freedom to do the things they have wanted in life. One may feel that after so many dates or months together, they should be committed to one another. Another partner may not want to go by dates or amount of time together. He/she may want to see how the relationship grows over time, without pressure to “go to the next level” in the relationship.
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Some may have an “attachment-insecurity” (stemming from an early lack of bonding with an unpredictable parent or primary figure. Here are three different thought patterns and behaviors (from goodtherapy.org) that may be the result of a break in early attachment:
~ Fearful-Avoidant: I want a committed relationship, but I don’t want to be hurt.
~ Dismissive-Avoidant: I do not need you, nor do I need you to depend on me.
~ Anxious-preoccupied: I really want to be close to you, but, I don’t think you do.
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Some may want to “stay in the game” of dating and finding a future partner. Others go from one relationship to another with no insight as to what keeps happening. And, some no longer want any committed relationships, and prefer to be “friends with benefits”.
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These options “work” when the individuals are honest about what they want now and in the future. And, they agree that if their wants or needs change, they will let the other know. This way, they are open about their choices and can decide for themselves if this is what they want.
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Commitments can be scary or can cause you to celebrate.
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If you want help in your struggle with commitment, or you're being attracted to people who won’t commit, while you want to, call or email me. I think I can help.